Wednesday, June 23, 2010

How to... Handle a Drunk Friend

by Olivia Cooper

A night of fun and drinking automatically becomes less fun when a drunk friend starts to act obnoxious or makes a mess of himself. When one guy starts to make a ruckus, you know everyone is going to notice. Girls will be put off, guys will take offense and you will get red in the face. Sure, he is your friend and everything, your homeboy, your buddy and your brother but you’re thinking, “Could he at least stop flicking me with balled up napkins?” Handling a drunk friend will test the limits of your patience and the statutes of your friendship. Get control of your intoxicated friend with these helpful tips:

Last call. As his friend, you should know when your friend has had enough. Keep him away from any more booze. Tell him when enough is enough and be adamant. Try as much as possible to keep him calm when you do this since he might not take your actions to be all that kind. Just tell him the girl at the bar was totally checking him out. This should fool him for the rest of the night but don’t forget to distract him whenever he goes looking for her.

Breakables. Remove all glasses and bottle away from the vicinity. A swipe of the hand there, an uncoordinated step backwards here and your friend might just cause a mini-accident. Whenever he has to get around, help him up. Last thing you want your friend to break would be his bones.

Make him drink water and go to the bathroom. To help him flush out all the alcohol in his system, make sure to give him plenty of glasses of water. Remember that telling him it is actually Vodka only works the first two times. All that water should drive him to the bathroom. Pray that he can handle peeing by himself. Watch out if he starts to barf though, then you are in for a real mess but at least he’s puking in the bathroom not on the dance floor.

Be his lawyer. You might have to get him out of some sticky jams if his behavior irks some near-by girls and gents. Explain to everyone how your friend did not mean it when he called the bartender an expletive.

Be his security detail. If things do get hairy, you may have to provide your friend with some security. Keep him out of any fights and just get the hell out of there if some goons start to surround you.

Take him home. The best thing you can do however is to take him home. It can be to his place if you can get inside it or to yours if you can stand the stench of puke the next day. Let him sleep it off and wake up with the mother of all hangovers. Your friend will greatly appreciate your kindness and generosity, which he says he will repay in kind when you find roles reversed. Right.

Drunk friends are funny, scary, terrifying, obnoxious, annoying and a load to handle. Good friends won’t let their buddies crash and burn by himself. Take care of your friend and pray that he doesn’t relieve himself while in your car on the way home.

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