Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Top 10: Worst-Case Dating Scenarios

Here you are. It's the big night and you’re finally out on a date with the girl of your dreams. However, did you forget that today is Friday the 13th? Guess what, Slick, a black cat crossed your path on the way to dinner and you broke a mirror in the men’s room. Superstitions aside, you find yourself in not only a bad situation, but you’re also in one of the worst-case dating scenarios possible.

Grab your four-leaf clover and rabbit’s foot because you’re going to need it to get you through this top 10 list of Friday the 13th worst-case dating scenarios.

No. 10 - She gets wasted
No, not that buzz she needed so she would feel good doing bad things with you. She gets full-blown blasted to the point that dinner, lunch and breakfast comes flying out of her mouth. She can’t stand and face plants in front of you. She changes colors and reeks of alcohol. Congratulations. She was luscious, now she’s just a lush. All the food and good time you’ve paid for is now all over the floor, parking lot and her clothes. You have little choice but to tend to her somewhat or look like a giant assbag in front of the potentially hot chicks walking by.

No. 9 - She ends the date early
You were ready to go all night, weren’t you? But she wasn’t. Hell, she didn’t even want to go past the appetizer. Here you are in the middle of what you think is a great story or a nice date and all of a sudden, bam! She says: “Well, I had a nice time. Thank you” and leaves. You’re still chewing and she’s making a move for the door. Get ready for the embarrassment as you get home early and your boys look at you as if to say: “Bro, the sun is still up and you just left.”

No. 8 - She picks a fight with a really big man
Maybe she’s wasted. Maybe she’s a b*tch. Either way, she’s mouthed off to some genetic throwback and this eight-foot-tall caveman is looking down at you and ready to fight her battle. Everything was going smoothly until she bumped into Tiny and decided to let her mouth write a check your body can’t cash. You try to talk this situation out and deescalate it, but she’s not having it and keeps jumping in like an estrogen-fueled Chihuahua. She moves away just as the mutant throws that first and last punch. To make matters worse, you probably weren’t going to get any either. Hopefully your nurse in the ER will be hot.

No. 7 - You get sick (i.e., you vomit)
She’s hot. The night is going well until the bubble guts arrive and your insides start churning and curdling. Smiling and clearing your throat, you hope she didn’t hear that first gurgle. The second rumble is loud and she asks if you’re hungry. You grin and try to wiggle in your chair, but it’s no good -- you hurl. Blow chunks. Puke. Call it what you want but you just upchucked and you probably painted Miss Delicious in your stomach acid and bile. Nice. You can’t cover this one up or just excuse yourself from the table. Your best bet is hoping whatever made you sick is going to finish you off -- immediately.

No. 6 - You argue
Forget a nice, easy date that leads to romance and hot sex. Your sweet thing just hit her hellion switch and is going off on you. Maybe it was the way you ordered the salad, maybe it was the movie you picked or how you opened (or didn’t open) her door. Whatever it was, it’s set her off and you two are scrapping. She’s yelling, she’s screaming and she’s making a scene while making your date a living Hell. Cheer up though; at least she’s not picking a fight with a really big man -- but the night is young.

No. 5 - You run into the ex (hers or yours)
Nice date and then suddenly you look across the room and see her, the ex. The one who tore you inside out, and she’s still hot and with a rich-looking, superstud who is looking at you like dog crap. Or, your hot little date realizes her ex is there and she’s suddenly paralyzed with old feelings of rejection, broken heart and general buzz-kill feelings on your date. Yes, it was your date, wasn’t it? Not anymore. The ex is in the room and he or she has shut your date down.

No. 4 - Your card is rejected
Ooo, an ultimate date nightmare. You spent the evening like a big shot only to have the waiter or waitress bring your card back to tell you it was no good. You give them another card or ask them to try again -- and the same result. Now your date tries to pay and as she gives her money, you give up your balls. She may smile and say “It’s OK,” but you know you look like a chump. Imagine now that the restaurant goes back to the old days and cuts your card up in front of you both.

No. 3 - Another guy hits on her
Some slab of beef eyeballs your date. Sure, that happens. But bad luck hits and your date gives him the interested come-hither gaze and green lights this SOB to come over. You’re now torn between “Screw you both” and “Hey, you can’t do that!” To add insult to injury, he threatens to kick your ass after hitting on her. Not only is this just disrespectful, but it’s also a clear message to your shrinking manhood. Even worse is that she ups and leaves with this guy and you still have to pay for her meal.

No. 2 - You can't get it up
The date has gone well. You’re in the sack and about to rock her world. She’s ready to go when you realize (and so does she) that your magic stick has no tricks and is not performing. The mighty trouser snake is now a little garden lizard and couldn’t hurt a fly. Sweating and grunting, you try, you fumble, you smack it around, but your one-eyed monster is now myopic and can’t perform. She takes an obviously awkward pity on you, tells you it’s “OK” and leaves.

No. 1 - She gets pregnant (by spermjacking you)
The date was awesome. Things get hot and heavy. You reach for the condom but she distracts you into riding bareback. For about half a second you think it’s a bad idea until she starts working you. All the safe sex PSAs go right out the window and you get it out -- gloveless. Next thing you know, a little while after the date, ta-da! You’ve been spermjacked and your one date has led to sonograms, dirty diapers and paying for college.



Billy said...

I was looking for Advise on breaking up and found this great site I gotta admit its great and it worked for me and helped me a lot.

nesta said...

@billy: thanks for sharing!:)

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...