Saturday, October 30, 2010

5 Reasons Why She Stopped Seeing You

It happens to the best of men: you’ve been dating a girl for a couple of months and things seem to be going well. She laughs at your jokes, plays footsie with you under the table at restaurants, and sends every possible signal that she’s smitten. Just about the time you start thinking you two might have a meaningful future together (or at least another date), poof! She disappears.

What just happened? In truth, women’s reasons for bailing are as varied as the women themselves. Here, we consulted relationship experts and real women to pinpoint the top five so you can predict (and maybe even prevent) another disappearing act.

Reason #1: She’s dying to get hitched
“After a few months, a commitment-minded woman is really taking inventory to see if you’re marriage material,” says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of Be Honest — You’re Not That Into Him Either. “If she decides you’re not, she’d rather quit wasting her time and move on.” It’s quite possible that she’s never talked to you about any of this — after all, her bringing up the M-word when you’ve only been going out for a few weeks or months would make her look overeager, if not desperate. But that doesn’t mean she’s not secretly sizing you up — and has decided you’re not Mr. Right or that you’re just not ready to settle down yet.

Reason #2: Someone better came along
The truth hurts, but sometimes a girl simply gets a better offer. That’s what often happens to Robin Orr, 43. “I’ll meet a guy online who seems great, but I don’t take my profile down because the relationship is so new. Then another guy will email me who seems interesting, and I’ll start dating him — and, before you know it, Guy #1 is outta there.” Breakup expert Elizabeth Kuster, author of Exorcising Your Ex, says this is common, especially among online daters. “There are so many potential partners out there, women often get overwhelmed by their choices,” she explains. “Before long, their attitude becomes, ‘So many men, so little time.’” If you’ve been burned by a flighty woman like that, try not to take it personally. There are plenty of women out there who’ll think you’re a catch.

Reason #3: The romance has fizzled
Some women are romantics at heart, utterly intoxicated by the new-love giddiness that permeates those early dates. However, when the honeymoon period subsides, they quickly lose interest. “After a few months, you two have gotten comfortable with each other, so the newness and novelty wears off,” Dr. Kerner says. This is completely natural, but for romance junkies, it can spell the end of the relationship. “By the time a guy feels OK about burping or picking his nose in front of me, he’s pretty much history,” says one veteran dater named Jill Parkinson. “I’d been dating my last boyfriend around seven weeks when he decided to clip his toenails around me. To me, it was the ultimate turn-off. I want to be the girl guys want to impress, not a girl around whom guys are fine passing gas.”

Reason #4: She’s afraid to settle
You’re great… but could she get someone better? Harsh as it sounds, this question often nags women until they decide to cut bait and find out what else — or who else — is out there. “A woman will often wonder: ‘He’s a good guy, but is he good enough?’” says Kuster. But please, don’t take it personally. This question says very little about your desirability as a mate — and much more about her obsession with status. And that’s probably not someone you want to be with anyway, right?

Reason #5: You innocently did something that offended her
Women often have an unspoken laundry list of dating “red flags” — and if you inadvertently do something on that list, she may high-tail it out of there. “Maybe you did something small — like asking her to split the dinner bill — that makes her feel she’s not being treated well,” says Dr. Kerner. “Instead of talking to you about it, she’ll likely just bail without ever telling you why.” (She’ll tell her girlfriends the whole story, but — because these deal-breakers can be so obvious to her — she may not discuss them with you, unfortunately.) And because each woman is different, those “no-no’s” will vary — making it practically impossible to predict what is going to set her off.

Luckily, there is a way to cut her off at the pass: If you notice your date acting weird when you do something, ask her about it. If she confesses that she’s turned off by splitting the check for dinner, for instance, you can talk about it then. It could turn out that her last boyfriend was an unemployed mooch whom she supported for two years, and she doesn’t want to go down that road again. “If you can communicate about what’s really going on, that’s a good sign,” Kuster says. “As long as you can both be open and honest, you’re on the right track.”


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